Area 54

November Challenge: How to Catch Bigfoot

This was a tough one. After weeks of painstaking research I finally called up our old friend and Master Satanist of the 20th Century: Aleister Crowley. He was kind enough to send me this rare photograph of a full proof method in action that he hit upon many years ago. The key is in the discovery that the Loch Ness monster is actually the GHOST of a DINOSAUR. And Nessie and the Yeti are nature's worst enemies. But of course now the problem is: once you got 'em...what do you do with 'em?? Maybe that's next month's challenge.

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CAPTURING BIGFOOT METHOD 3

It’s kind of smelly but no worse than a teenager’s room.

A good way to trap Bigfoot is to get him where he lives. Thanks to his distinctive footprints, Bigfoot can be easily tracked to the cave in which he dwells. You can tell if it is indeed Bigfoot’s cave if the walls are covered with issues of The Weekly World News he’s appeared in and lingerie from his many groupies. Place a bear trap in Bigfoot’s bed or under his stack of homemade porn and wait. When you hear some expletives coming from the cave, you know your trap has clamped onto some Sasquatch flesh. Only enter Bigfoot’s cave while he’s out. Be very careful though. If Bigfoot finds you messing with his stuff, he will beat you.

CAPTURING BIGFOOT METHOD 2

Save me Orlando!

A good way to trap Bigfoot is to trick him into falling into a concealed pit. Once you have dug out a very deep pit (Bigfoot’s a large dude you know), camouflage it with some branches and dead leaves so it looks like the forest floor. Prop a photo of Orlando Bloom lightly on top of the hidden pit to entice Bigfoot to come over. As Bigfoot comes to investigate the studly Mr. Bloom, he will fall into the pit and be entirely at your mercy!

CAPTURING BIGFOOT METHOD 1

I only watch it for the car wrecks.

Do you want to capture Bigfoot but are kind of on the lazy side? No problem. A very easy way to catch Bigfoot is to set up a small television playing NASCAR races. Once Bigfoot is mesmerized by fast cars driving around in circles, you have a nice steady target to shoot with a tranquilizer dart. It's very important, though, that you do not get curious and try a little tranquilizer on yourself.

NOVEMBER CHALLENGE

Howdy ho blogerinos. Gabe asked me to give y'all your November Challenge. - You have one hour to make 3 dishes out of our secret ingredient... CATFISH!

Oh wait - that's Iron Chef... For your blog challenge - HOW WOULD YOU CAPTURE BIGFOOT?

We all need to get on board if we ever hope to capture Samsquantch so get to work on your ideas!